Grandma made a promise to Zoe, “I will never leave until you are better”

A view into the life of my special angel, I’m Zoefia’s grandma. She was my best friend, my soulmate, the first face I saw in the morning and the last I saw at night. Our story is filled with Love, pain, joy, sadness and laughter all coupled with many sleepless nights and seemingly endless hours. When my Zoe was diagnosed in January of  2016 her mom and I were devastated, at that very moment I looked into her eyes and made her a promise “Grandma would never leave until you are better. ” Our journey was long with many  winding roads and uphill battles. She was beautiful inside and out, strong, brave and fearless, she faced her illness with courage and dignity. The constant thought that has always been “there is something special about this child”. It just didn’t matter the situation or  procedures we faced them together. We knew that once we were out of the hospital she would transform into this normal little person, doing anything and everything to regain her strength and move on like nothing happened. That was our Zoe; wise beyond her years and never afraid to speak her mind, something she would become well known for.  Her favorite color was green, two of her favorite songs were “somewhere over the rainbow” and “Stay with God” . In the last year of her life I played that song “Stay with God”  almost nonstop. If she could not sleep she would ask “can you play my song” It always put her to sleep and was set on repeat all night. That song drew much attention from everyone who came in earshot. Yes it’s important to know my Zoe had Cancer but Cancer didn’t have her. She wanted no sympathy just to be loved and cared for like any little girl her age.

As a believer in Christ I taught Zoe about Jesus, she would tell us “I’m not sick Jesus is making me better, I’m the apple of his eye and he is the apple of my eye” all the medical staff knew and respected our faith. every chemo before it was hung we prayed over it and at the end Zoe always said “Amen”. She loved church and loved the pastor, she was a Jesus girl.

Zoe was proud of every achievement, nothing was taken for granted, before she attended school we did our own home activities, I remember the first time she completely spelled and wrote her name she was so excited. The first time going from pull ups to regular underwear she did the panty dance.    You could never tell Zoe she was a sick child, she never saw herself that way and would often get upset if you stated that. There were times we had to limit her activities due to her immune system or post procedures, like many cancer kids Zoe learned to play by herself.She was a wiz at puzzles, games and a playdoh fanatic, very creative she had every play doh kitchen design on the market. She loved to paint, sing and dance, once after a coma she was unable to walk but that didn’t stop her, she wanted to attend dance school even in her stroller dressed in her dance outfit. She did her thing and enjoyed herself like everyone else.

We had lots of fun with Zoe but there were also lots of behind the scenes work that went into every occasion. Care-giving parents and relatives are special, they live in a different world, there are no breaks, no days off, their shift simply never ends, often times a quick resolve has to happen, 2 or 3 outfit changes before we make it out the door due to chemotherapy there could be vomiting, diarrhea or both. A simple trip required numerous medical devices, medications, thermometer, diapers, wipes, extra clothing just to be safe. Sleep was both a rarity and a privilege, when you did sleep you kept one eye open, at any minute things can change {aspiration, seizure or an elevated temperature} this is all routine. You lose friends along the way, unfortunately the nature of being a 24/7 caregiver. So the stress takes a toll, the hospitals that’s a whole other level of stress.  Along the way you see other families enduring similar ordeals, some having other kids at home that suffer the loss of time, affection most of all their sick sibling.

If you know someone in this role, take time out of your day to be kind these Moms’s are truly Super Mom Squad, show some love, often they need it. We’re tired and worn but must keep going. I kept my promises I stayed with my Zoe until the end never leaving her side either at home or the hospital bedside. Where she went I went and vice versa. All I wanted was to see my Zoe cancer free and living a normal happy life, only Zoe was special, she was an angel, there is no other explanation of how she was able to go through all that she did and touched the life of every person that had an opportunity to meet her. I miss her so much, I cry day and night, at times my heart feels broken but I know she is with the Lord and that’s where I get my comfort. There are many stories to tell of who and what Zoefia truly was, an angel sent to us for a short period of time.

We will meet again someday my darling Zo Zo.

Love Grandma……